Noah in the 21st Century.

And we thought we had problems!  If Noah had lived in the United States in the last ten years, the story may have gone something like this:

     And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.  But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.  "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

     Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.  "Noah!" He shouted.  "Where is the Ark?"  "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big problems."

     "First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.  Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.  Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls.  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.  The carpenters formed a union and went on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

     "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard.  This suit is pending.  Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.  Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain.  I sent them a globe."

     "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.  The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'  And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event and therefore  unconstitutional.  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

     Noah waited.

     The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

     "No," He said sadly.  "I don't have to.  The government already has."


- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -











GOD'S LITTLE ACRE
Copyright (c) Rusti 2002, 2003
All Rights Reserved

It's The Thought That Counts

Choosing a gift for an elderly mother…

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I've got you both beat.

You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the Church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“David,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“John,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Jeffrey,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

by annonymous

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The Church Lady.

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would  step  out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and  yell, "Praise the Lord"

One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he
 became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month
 or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he would go
  outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord."

 Yet,  the  little  old lady continued. One cold, wintry day,
 when  the  little  old lady couldn't get to the store, she went
 out  on  her  porch,  raised  her hands up to the sky and said,
"Help  me  Lord, I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no
more food."

 The next morning, she went outside, and there were bags of  food  on  the porch, enough to last her a week. "Praise the Lord," she yelled.

  The  Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is
no Lord, ha ha ha, I bought those groceries!"

:)    (Hold on . . the ending is VERY good!).

  The  little  old  lady  raised her arms to the sky and said,
  "Praise  the Lord, You sent me groceries and you made the Devil
   pay for them!"

from clearvisionbiblestudies.